Body Change

At some stage of our lives we suffer with body insecurities. We outgrow them or we continue to live with them. Everyone has their own feeling on their body and what or how they would like to change it. 

I have wanted to change my body since I was 13. I never felt comfortable or happy with the way I looked and what made it worse for me is that I was constantly told my body was far too skinny and I was bullied because of it. Not just by children but by adults, family and random people. Did it affect me? Yes for the next 12 years I hated my body. I was insecure, I prayed that I would look like everyone else. I knew myself I wasn't confident about how I looked or felt.

What was wrong with body? I was a very small petite girl. Skinny, never gained weight. Constantly being told I am anorexic. Was I? No, how ever I did and still have a fast metabolism. Was it wrong that my body looked that way? Apparently so because I didn't  look like every other girl my age.
So the older I got, 15, I would hear friends say things like "I would get fat if I even looked at a chocolate bar", so I took it to the extreme and would eat 10 chocolate bars with crisps and anything fattening. It sure didn't make me fat just made my skin awful which with acne. I never starved myself or made myself sick. I ate three meals a day along with my junk food binge, which I hoped would make me gain weight.

I wasn't completely alone, my mum would always reassure me that it was jealously and that she was skinny too at my age and it was genetic. But at that age you don't listen to your mums advice.
I would see in magazines the perfect body and what men prefer, or how other woman would comment on each others bodies. I needed to get into the middle of the scale, not skinny and not fat. There wasn't a lot of information like there is now about weight gain and a healthy way to do it. I thought to gain weight is by consuming fat from fatty foods, but that doesn't work for someone that has a fast metabolism.
5 years later and I was still little skinny me. But this time I was pregnant, 20. My body changed so much when I was pregnant and I loved it. Did I gain weight? Yes, I went from a size 0 to a size 16. I felt great, I felt like everyone else. I was so happy, my body finally looked like a woman's body. It never had before.
3 months after giving birth with all my size 0's and 2's thrown out because I was sure I wouldn't lose weight, what happened I was back to my tiny 13 year old body. I wasn't confident at all. It had set in my mind that, that was my body and nothing could be done. 

Before heavier weights and eating enough calories.

I started using instagram when I was 22, and it was the start of staring at these beautiful girls and their womanly bodies, looking super sexy and confident. Which didn't make my self esteem any better comparing myself to others. Then one of the followers that I obsessed over had but a post up that her body was not naturally like the way it was but surgical enhanced. I think seeing that made me realise that this girl had obviously had her own body issues which she fixed. 
I  am not against plastic surgery, it is just not for me.  Fitness started getting so popular on instagram, and  I started following a lot of girls that were into weight gain, going from the skinny girl to a healthy curvy girl. Which was great, it related to me more. There was more information about how to gain weight. I started educating myself a little more. 

Same red bottoms. First picture 22 years old and the second picture 24 eating slightly more and doing home workouts with light weights.

One of the top things was going to the gym, no way was I doing that, I automatically thought the people that go to gym are pros and I wouldn't know what to do. Instead I got light weights to use at home. Next was the right food to consume, the right amount of calories ,healthy fats, how many meals I should have. Still so confused on what I should eat and how much, but I tried. It took me a year of doing all this, then I realised I needed more.

I purchased protein ( from MyProtein) which I made smoothies with or just had normal protein shakes as snacks. I came across My fitness Pal, which is an app which you can set your goals, and log in your food intake for every meal during the day. This was great it helped me push myself to consume the right amount of calories. My daily calorie goal is 2,100. At first it was so hard trying to reach that but I got so used that it came naturally to me.
I picked up the courage to push myself more and I did training sessions with a personal trainer (D-Top fitness). He had helped me so much, I had learnt so much. I trained with Dean for about 2 months and I felt ready to step into a gym. I was so nervous but to be honest it was not as intimidating as I thought it would be.

I had goals I wanted, huge bum, thicker legs, toned upper body. To also be a healthy weight. Being only 5'3 my weight goal was 8 stone (50kg). I am now at 8 stone and my body has changed so much from what it was but I am still working on my body goals but I am loving how my body looks and I am so much more confident. Knowing that I am able to work on my body is a great achievement, it is not impossible anymore. I don't go to the gym everyday, I don't eat well every day and I am not motivated everyday. But I do know how to get myself motivated and push myself, and I am proud of myself for now been able to do that.

It has taken me 13 years to feel confident in my body, it took a year and a half of working on my body by eating properly and working out. In the year and half I have also learned so much, with help from various trainers or other people on their own fitness journey. 

I also have stopped listening to people's nasty remarks about my body. There always be someone that will say something but I let it go over my head.

If I can tell my younger self anything what would it be?
• Stop letting people's harsh words about your body get to you. You are an individual and your process is going to be different than everyone else.

•Do not let someone's beauty out shine your own beauty. 

Everything isn't perfect with my body and I am okay with that. Like every other person I bloat after meals, if I get sick or not train for more than a week my body weight and muscle drop very quick. But it is normal and I know how to bounce back and get right back to where I need to be.

What is the purpose of writing this? I know that somewhere there is one boy/girl at any age that is going through the same thing I did, and I want to share what I know to help someone else, because I would've appreciated it when I needed it. 

If you are struggling to gain weight my honest advice would be:

  • Consume more calories (including carbs and healthy fats) you need to eat more! Have four meals a day and healthy snacks. Don't binge on junk food, it won't help at all.
  • Go to the gym, workout. Start lifting light weights and slowly progress to heavier weights. You will gain muscle mass, instead of fat mass. You build your body that way. You don't need to gym everyday 3/4 days a week is just fine. Ask people on the gym how to use certain equipment if you aren't sure. 
  • Allow yourself to rest! It is okay to take breaks.
  • It takes time, not 6 weeks or 8 weeks. It takes months or even years. But you have to start somewhere.
  • Do not do a lot of cardio, you will be burn calories and won't gain 'fat' muscle that way. you will just be lean.
  • Girls, you will not get huge muscles by lifting heavy weights, so if you have the fear of turning into a body building woman you won't, unless it is your goal.
Here are a few instagram girls that I follow that I would have as my motivation or fitness inspiration. I have followed them for some time and a lot of their advice has been great. 

Siobhan X

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